Death and the deep black hole I call depression.

I am going to warn you now.This is going to be a really dark posting.
I have had to deal with the lost of three men. In two months .First was Buddy, Then my moms ex husband Roland and last my Welo (grandfather). And the pain is so immense so deep so raw so exhausting. I can feel my self sinking into that dark dark corner that i have buried deep in my soul. I was up late talking to my husband the other night and was trying to explain how I felt. I told him I feel different I don't know yet if its a good or bad different. I feel older,madder, confused, horrified, relieved that my Welo can now be at peace and not feel anymore pain.

I doubt so much now I doubt my faith my courage and myself. Why has god taken him for me , I went to the chapel this morning and asked him that " what have I done to you that you would take him away from us (my family). WHY!!!! Have I have done so much bad that you would have to take my only friend Estella the one I would need at this very moment the one I could tell how much I hurt.. Why would you take these great men that are leaders to their families. That love there children. Why do the scum of the earth get to live another day. But not the men that struggle to live and support their families. WHY!!

I cried so much yesterday that I could taste my tears when I swallowed. I felt like I couldn't breathe or like i didn't want to breathe anymore. My old friend is now back and she will be here for a while I can feel it.She was with me for two years and she held me tight. Her name is depression. I pray that she will leave but I know she won't because I will or can not let my Welo go. I want to scream I want to unleash on someone. Can you not see that she has her nails in me and is pulling me down or is it just me that sees her. Most be because I walk by people and they stop me and want to talk and I want to just tell them leave me alone shut up. My Welo is dead , dead people . While you are content with your life . My food has no taste , the tears are never ending, the pain in every part of my body is real and agonizing.
The man that showed us kids my cousins my brother and my sister and along with his kids that family is everything and always encouraging us and motivating us with his stories. Is gone I will never here his voice fell his hugs see his face. He is still here in my dreams I can see him there and when I sleep I do not want to wake. He was like a father so strong and his love for us was so unconditional.