Death and the deep black hole I call depression.

I am going to warn you now.This is going to be a really dark posting.
I have had to deal with the lost of three men. In two months .First was Buddy, Then my moms ex husband Roland and last my Welo (grandfather). And the pain is so immense so deep so raw so exhausting. I can feel my self sinking into that dark dark corner that i have buried deep in my soul. I was up late talking to my husband the other night and was trying to explain how I felt. I told him I feel different I don't know yet if its a good or bad different. I feel older,madder, confused, horrified, relieved that my Welo can now be at peace and not feel anymore pain.

I doubt so much now I doubt my faith my courage and myself. Why has god taken him for me , I went to the chapel this morning and asked him that " what have I done to you that you would take him away from us (my family). WHY!!!! Have I have done so much bad that you would have to take my only friend Estella the one I would need at this very moment the one I could tell how much I hurt.. Why would you take these great men that are leaders to their families. That love there children. Why do the scum of the earth get to live another day. But not the men that struggle to live and support their families. WHY!!

I cried so much yesterday that I could taste my tears when I swallowed. I felt like I couldn't breathe or like i didn't want to breathe anymore. My old friend is now back and she will be here for a while I can feel it.She was with me for two years and she held me tight. Her name is depression. I pray that she will leave but I know she won't because I will or can not let my Welo go. I want to scream I want to unleash on someone. Can you not see that she has her nails in me and is pulling me down or is it just me that sees her. Most be because I walk by people and they stop me and want to talk and I want to just tell them leave me alone shut up. My Welo is dead , dead people . While you are content with your life . My food has no taste , the tears are never ending, the pain in every part of my body is real and agonizing.
The man that showed us kids my cousins my brother and my sister and along with his kids that family is everything and always encouraging us and motivating us with his stories. Is gone I will never here his voice fell his hugs see his face. He is still here in my dreams I can see him there and when I sleep I do not want to wake. He was like a father so strong and his love for us was so unconditional.

B.Reyna

It seams the only time I want to blog is when I am feeling lost and in despair.Its healing I guess you could say.

Have you ever lost someone so fast and so unexpected that it felt like it kicked you right in the gut.That's what I felt like when we lost Buddy.All though Buddy was a co-worker.He was much more to me and all of us here at work.He was the kind of man I grew up with.The tough Mexican guy ain't know one or anything going to hold me down guy.But deep down he was crazy passionate about his daughter and wife.The joy they would bring him was fascinating.Buddy was Buddy and you had to give him credit for not being fake ,he was outspoken in what he believed and felt. There was no changing his mind at no matter how nice you tried to explain things to him.He stood his ground.He was a great human being.He was who he was and if you didn't like it tough cookies.But I tell you this if you knew him you would have loved him. And if you wanted his advice beware because you were going to get it whether you liked him or not.

He was killed for on April 10,2010.I don't want to talk about how he was killed.All I can say it was senseless.

I will never forget the call.Steve's voice so calm and collected when he told me that Layla's daddy had been killed.WHAT !!!! Is what I wanted to scream. And then I had this crazy warm feeling,a tightness in my chest, the pain that my heart felt,they sweat that in my palms was unreal. Then I remember looking at my kids and my husband. I felt so lost yet they were right in front of me.But I was alone in my pain.But when I came to work on Monday.The first person I saw that felt my pain was Brian and he gave me the hug that I so much needed. Then everyone else was here all the people that you would least expect to have a bond with.They were like family. Like brothers. At work we are so honest with each other more then we are at home.Well at least I am. I let it all out work. Its easier sometimes a lot easier then when I am at home telling my husband who has his load to carry.

All I know life is complicated and I believe people are put in our paths to learn from.And Buddy taught me plenty on life,metal music,seeing things through a guys point of view (very useful).All the boys and girls here at work have taught me something.I have seen through their eyes Italy, Seattle, the struggle of graduating from UT, their children being born, their dreams, different faiths and cultures, music, and the number one thing that I have learned to be grateful for everyday we have because it may be your last.

I love and miss you Buddy!!

Goodness time to play catch up.

Goodness,I have once again fell off the blog wagon but I am back on it now.Let me share pics of the project that I finished last weekend.I have gotten so many great compliments on it.I originally got this great idea from http://www.susieharrisblog.com/2010/01/i-amdiy.html .Like I said in the past people inspire me daily.

So just to fill you in on this weekends project.I was going by St.Vincent De Paul thrift store and noticed right by there God Bless Free sign that there was the cutest antique living room chair.And then I asked the chair Hello handsome do you want to come home with momma,I will clean you up and make you look real good.And guess what he said Hell yeah Hot Momma.So that's what I have been working on for the last two night and will finish this weekend.Cross your fingers : ) I will hopefully post pics on Monday.

The family is all doing good.Well as good as an 18 and 17 year old rebel (my boys) can be all I can do is pray and love them and thats what I do .LOVE them no matter what.The little ones are doing good babyboo once again made A&B honor roll.Why? Because he is full of awesomeness.Sara and Chippy are bringing their grades up ,but remain to be little Brandy's .

Love ya !!

Oh how I Love My Beloved Google Reader

So I am having a great day.I am a blog junkie.Yes, me I am raising my hand I have a problem.I love DYI blogs ,cupcake blogs and the list goes on.They make me so happy .As I am driving into work each day I get crazy excited about who did what.Their are so many talented women out there and all I can say is they simply inspire me everyday.Somehow one or several of my blogs make me smile and laugh.How did I ever live with out my Google Reader .Oh the joy of having 100 and so blogs to read : )
So here's a project I hope to be doing with my kiddos this weekend
http://www.eddieross.com/eddie_ross/2008/12/no-wire-hangers-well-maybe-just-one.html
Wreaths !!!! Can't wait.Our tradition at home is after a eating our thanksgiving meal we decorate the house for Christmas.Joy ...We have now been in our new home for 4 years and after 2 years of having the blues I want to go crazy this year so be ready for some pics !!

Ups and Downs

Boy were has time gone.Lets see I have so many changes to talk about.

Lets start with the bad I lost my best friend Estella on July 26th she lost her battle with leukemia.And I lost someone that I could confide my dreams with and even,my worst fears.And I have so much guilt about how I took for granted that she would always be there for us all.Now,I have no one..to share all the good and bad with.Sure I have my mom,sister and husband.But somehow telling her everything was easier,uncensored I didn't have to hesitate for the fear off criticism.God I miss her so much and this horrible dark depression I feel still lingers till this day.When do you stop hurting?When do you fully except that she is gone?Do I really want to come to terms that such a beautiful wife,mom and friend is gone.Why my Estella-she had such faith in God that her prayers would be answered ,if not her prayers then mine her families her other friends were did my loving God that had been there for me so long go.So this is were I begin to have doubts about my faith.Many doubts .This was a very dark place to be and to honestly I still find myself going back to it.I am so ashamed to admit it.And yes I am grateful for the beautiful husband and children I have there health and all the good things that come with our life,but when I feel this gratefulness I begin to feel the guilt that my beautiful Estella should be sharing it with her family as well.That's when I get all depressed and begin to shut down and just want to be left alone.But the real world begins to call my name Mom, Babe or Brandy.And at that moment I rub my teary eyes and look at life and all i know is I have to live for my family and especially myself.And you know what if she were here she would yell and probably even cuss me out for having such pity on her.She would not think that was cool at all.

So in the mean time I have been trying to keep myself busy with the kids.So lets begin with Joseph he is now 18 years old and has moved out.He is living with a friend in Austin.As crazy as it is he calls more and tells me he loves me more and asked for money every chance he gets.I think he is realizes now that the real world is not so kind and will not give him chance after chance.I pray for him so much that God be with him every step that he takes.As for Jesse he is now 17 years.Jesse has gotten himself in trouble and now has to deal with the repercussion of his actions.Oh,how I can not wait till these boys,are settled down and responsible young men.Cynthia just turned 15 and is acting the of teenage girl from being boy crazy to talking back.So her dad and I have are trying our best to guide her in the right direction which is a lot harder then you may think.Sara our Sara is 13 now and is becoming a great young lady and every once and a while you have to remind her that you are the parent and she is the child.James turned 11 today and the feeling I have there are no words for my youngest child is turning into a Young teenage boy and I feel sad and overcome with so many feelings and questions.How did this all happen so fast?Were did all my time go.Will it ever stop going by so fast.

La Migra

Okay okay I know this blog is probably not a good idea to write but shit I am sooooooo tired of this whole immigration shit.
Come on now why are my people good enough to build your homes ,cook your food ,take care of your children,wash your freaken cars but yet we are not granted citizenship.Why are we looked down upon.
I don't think anyone in there right mind wouldn't flee a poverty stricken country .For the better of there family there children and one day there children's children .Have some human compassion.If god forbid I had not been blessed to be born in the u.s and had been born in Mexico you better believe I would have saved every red cent I earned and used it to get my brown ass out of Mexico.
In the end we all just want the very best for our family and these people should be given a chance .Everyone should be given a chance .Freedom and wanting better in life should not stop at borders .Why is our border so prejudice ? let them be give them tools to try to better themselves .Educate them .We have tons of Americans that sit at home and wait for that welfare check to come in and they don't move there ass to get jobs .Why not help the people that had to leave there loved ones behind .That will get up every morning and take that bottom of the barrel job .You know cleaning that expensive hotel room you just had a great night stay in for about a week and you didn't even bother to ask the housekeeper what her name was . Shes probably making a lousy 7-8 bucks that an American citizen wouldn't take .She'll clean probably about 18-21 rooms today at 23 minutes each and clean that lovely toilet on her hand and knees .But yet she's not good enough be left alone.If getting your freaken Visa were an easier process for them maybe they would go get it.
Just and try to put yourself in there position .What would you do ?

being me

lets see this can get really complicated .
First off I am a mom .Which I had no idea 17 year ago what that all entailed .Being a mom you are your children's true advocate you will fight a good fight for your children ,even when they are wrong I will come to there defense (why I have no idea) I am a protector off all bad things from naughty movie videos ,to middle school boys trying to holler at my daughters ,to the school bullies ,to any bad at all.I am a 24 hour nurse thanks to webmd , I am a counselor , I am the listener to any woos my babies may have ,oh yes I can also be the enemy (when I say no to there fullish wants ). I am the wife ,cook,cleaner ,toenail clipper,hairstylist,referee,the alfit inspector ( making sure no one wears anything scandalous to school) , the one that cries her self to sleep scared that her children will not make good choices ,scared that one day they will not be there,scared that if I tell them no they will hate me ,scared that they don't understand my fears ,because if they understood they wouldn't fight me on my decision.I have done many stupid awful things that I regret with all my being .I have said many things that I wish had never been spoken .I have hated .Which I believe aged me about 10 years and gave me no comfort so I brandy will never hate again instead I will dislike a whole bunch j/k.I have learned many valuable lessons in life .The greatest of which is family . And that I love them all with all my heart !!!