Death and the deep black hole I call depression.

I am going to warn you now.This is going to be a really dark posting.
I have had to deal with the lost of three men. In two months .First was Buddy, Then my moms ex husband Roland and last my Welo (grandfather). And the pain is so immense so deep so raw so exhausting. I can feel my self sinking into that dark dark corner that i have buried deep in my soul. I was up late talking to my husband the other night and was trying to explain how I felt. I told him I feel different I don't know yet if its a good or bad different. I feel older,madder, confused, horrified, relieved that my Welo can now be at peace and not feel anymore pain.

I doubt so much now I doubt my faith my courage and myself. Why has god taken him for me , I went to the chapel this morning and asked him that " what have I done to you that you would take him away from us (my family). WHY!!!! Have I have done so much bad that you would have to take my only friend Estella the one I would need at this very moment the one I could tell how much I hurt.. Why would you take these great men that are leaders to their families. That love there children. Why do the scum of the earth get to live another day. But not the men that struggle to live and support their families. WHY!!

I cried so much yesterday that I could taste my tears when I swallowed. I felt like I couldn't breathe or like i didn't want to breathe anymore. My old friend is now back and she will be here for a while I can feel it.She was with me for two years and she held me tight. Her name is depression. I pray that she will leave but I know she won't because I will or can not let my Welo go. I want to scream I want to unleash on someone. Can you not see that she has her nails in me and is pulling me down or is it just me that sees her. Most be because I walk by people and they stop me and want to talk and I want to just tell them leave me alone shut up. My Welo is dead , dead people . While you are content with your life . My food has no taste , the tears are never ending, the pain in every part of my body is real and agonizing.
The man that showed us kids my cousins my brother and my sister and along with his kids that family is everything and always encouraging us and motivating us with his stories. Is gone I will never here his voice fell his hugs see his face. He is still here in my dreams I can see him there and when I sleep I do not want to wake. He was like a father so strong and his love for us was so unconditional.

B.Reyna

It seams the only time I want to blog is when I am feeling lost and in despair.Its healing I guess you could say.

Have you ever lost someone so fast and so unexpected that it felt like it kicked you right in the gut.That's what I felt like when we lost Buddy.All though Buddy was a co-worker.He was much more to me and all of us here at work.He was the kind of man I grew up with.The tough Mexican guy ain't know one or anything going to hold me down guy.But deep down he was crazy passionate about his daughter and wife.The joy they would bring him was fascinating.Buddy was Buddy and you had to give him credit for not being fake ,he was outspoken in what he believed and felt. There was no changing his mind at no matter how nice you tried to explain things to him.He stood his ground.He was a great human being.He was who he was and if you didn't like it tough cookies.But I tell you this if you knew him you would have loved him. And if you wanted his advice beware because you were going to get it whether you liked him or not.

He was killed for on April 10,2010.I don't want to talk about how he was killed.All I can say it was senseless.

I will never forget the call.Steve's voice so calm and collected when he told me that Layla's daddy had been killed.WHAT !!!! Is what I wanted to scream. And then I had this crazy warm feeling,a tightness in my chest, the pain that my heart felt,they sweat that in my palms was unreal. Then I remember looking at my kids and my husband. I felt so lost yet they were right in front of me.But I was alone in my pain.But when I came to work on Monday.The first person I saw that felt my pain was Brian and he gave me the hug that I so much needed. Then everyone else was here all the people that you would least expect to have a bond with.They were like family. Like brothers. At work we are so honest with each other more then we are at home.Well at least I am. I let it all out work. Its easier sometimes a lot easier then when I am at home telling my husband who has his load to carry.

All I know life is complicated and I believe people are put in our paths to learn from.And Buddy taught me plenty on life,metal music,seeing things through a guys point of view (very useful).All the boys and girls here at work have taught me something.I have seen through their eyes Italy, Seattle, the struggle of graduating from UT, their children being born, their dreams, different faiths and cultures, music, and the number one thing that I have learned to be grateful for everyday we have because it may be your last.

I love and miss you Buddy!!

Goodness time to play catch up.

Goodness,I have once again fell off the blog wagon but I am back on it now.Let me share pics of the project that I finished last weekend.I have gotten so many great compliments on it.I originally got this great idea from http://www.susieharrisblog.com/2010/01/i-amdiy.html .Like I said in the past people inspire me daily.

So just to fill you in on this weekends project.I was going by St.Vincent De Paul thrift store and noticed right by there God Bless Free sign that there was the cutest antique living room chair.And then I asked the chair Hello handsome do you want to come home with momma,I will clean you up and make you look real good.And guess what he said Hell yeah Hot Momma.So that's what I have been working on for the last two night and will finish this weekend.Cross your fingers : ) I will hopefully post pics on Monday.

The family is all doing good.Well as good as an 18 and 17 year old rebel (my boys) can be all I can do is pray and love them and thats what I do .LOVE them no matter what.The little ones are doing good babyboo once again made A&B honor roll.Why? Because he is full of awesomeness.Sara and Chippy are bringing their grades up ,but remain to be little Brandy's .

Love ya !!